I hate to have me a little pity party but life ain’t great at the mo, so I thought I should give you all a little life update.
I started writing this at 2:26am as I can’t sleep, my whole body aches, my back is in agony where it touches the bed and my legs & feet feel like there’s a thousand hot pokers inside, red hot shooting pains through my bum right down to my toes.
I even contemplate not getting up to take my morphine as moving literally makes me shout out in pain but I need something to dull this agony, to try & help me get a couple of hours peace.
I hate moaning, I’m so much more of a crack on with it kind of girl. Just grin & bare it and do the best you can but I’m seriously struggling. I can’t even put my knickers on myself, it’s a good job my hubby has seen me give birth isn’t it? Can you imagine of we’d only just started seeing each other, that would be embarrassing!
Our little man has special needs and I’m his carer, although the hubby has had to take a much more hands on approach with him. I can’t even drive so he’s having to reduce his work hours so he can do the school run as our boy’s special needs school is a few miles away.
It’s not just the current pain, it’s the thought of the future too. I was in the same situation a couple of years ago when I was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery after I lost the feeling in my left leg. It started out very much like what I’m currently going through, only now the pain is much worse. It’s looking like I’ll need surgery again.
I’m struggling with the day to day stuff, struggling to work on my blog, trying to catch up on social media when I can. Thankfully I can access it all from my phone to try & keep up but if you follow me, you’ll definitely see that I’m lot quieter than I usually am.
My back never totally recovered from my last surgery, it was obviously a huge help but there’s always been pain in my back & my leg. I’ve never regained the full feeling back in my left leg, there’s still spots that are completely numb and these areas are worsening too this time around.
After an MRI scan in November when the pain first started back again, they found I had another two protruding discs plus significant internal scarring around my op site that is all crushing my nerves, hence the pain in my leg & foot. This is has now gotten worse & worse since November, my back & leg has gotten worse and another scan is needed to see the extent of the damage. It’s now just a waiting game to see the consultant to see if I do need spinal surgery again.
I’m really scared of what this means in the future. The risk of surgery, the chances of this continuing as I get older, the degeneration of my other discs. I’m not only worried for myself but for my boy. He needs me so much, what if I’m not able to care for him in the way he needs? What if I’m not able to do the simple things that he struggles to do for himself, like putting him into the car, lifting him into his disability buggy, even playing with him in the park?
I hate to think negatively, I really do, but this is a real worry. One that I really need to think about.
But on the plus side, my doctor is being amazing. He’s really listening to me & understands what I’ve already been through with my back and is doing his best to find the right medication at the right level for me. He’s phoning me every couple of days to see what’s working & increasing my dosage to try and get me comfortable until I see the consultant.
I’ll get through this, just like I did last time and will deal with the future as and when I have to. I’m lucky to have supportive family & friends