It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on the blog. I’ve opened the pages so many times. Just sat staring at the screen wanting to write but just not being able to.
For a long time I’ve been really struggling. Struggling with chronic back pain & nerve damage in my legs. I’ve been bed bound & unable to walk, even ending up in a wheelchair. Then being admitted to hospital for my second round of spinal surgery.
For months my life has just been constant pain, not being able to move, not being able to dress myself, my whole independence totally taken away from me. It completely wiped me out both mentally & physically.
My blog was just put on the back burner. I couldn’t even sit up to write no matter how much I wanted to. I was done, and the more time that passed the more I struggled to get back into writing.
When I finally started my recovery from surgery I would open up my laptop, log in and just stare at the screen not knowing what to do next. Feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed, feeling anxious, feeling numb.
I was housebound for so long that I just had no idea what to write about anymore, and to be honest I’d completely lost my motivation. I wanted to write but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
As the time passed without writing anything or updating the blog I was starting to put pressure on myself. I needed to do something, I was trying to force myself to write something but that just backfired on me. I don’t know why, but the more I felt like I needed to write, the more I felt like I couldn’t write. My anxiety was crippling me.
I just avoided anything to do with my blog, emails were going unread, my social media went quiet.
I just couldn’t do it.
Too much time had passed, I just couldn’t get back into it. I didn’t even know if I wanted to continue blogging.
I’ve finally started to feel a little better, the pain is becoming more manageable with my medication. However I am still on a large amount of medication taking fourteen tablets a day.
I need to take the pressure off myself and blog when I feel able to rather than feeling like I need to be blogging every single day.
I want to enjoy enjoy writing again, I’m feeling that motivation coming back. I’m getting excited about new lifestyle content, about fashion and make up, about my Instagram, about my Youtube channel, about my photography, about my writing.
My spinal issues won’t ever go away, I’ve finally had my diagnosis of degenerative spinal disease & scoliosis, but I’m coming to terms with it. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I do need to take it easier & that I can’t do as much as I used to. It’s been a major setback for me in all aspects of my life, not just the blog, but I’m ready to start writing again. To start focusing on the blog again.