Today is not a good day, in fact it’s been pretty shit & I’m struggling. The tears keep falling as I sit at home thinking about the past year, about the past 24 hours.
This morning we lost an amazing man, my Uncle Derek. Actually he was my Great Uncle but our family is a big family and we are all so close. Uncle Derek was one of the men at the centre of our family, one of the only good ones we had left after loosing others in the past few years.
This morning was just about going through the motions for the kids, no tears, no stressing, just a normal school day. Until I got home from the school run and sat in the car for about half an hour struggling with the tears.
But I’m a do-er, the one who pulls themselves together and gets on with it. At times like these I need something to focus on, and that’s not blocking things out out by any means.
The way I get on with things is to think about the good. To think about the fun and the smiles, the laughter & the happiness.
Our Derek, even at over 70 years old, loved a good laugh and a good drink! We went on a girly holiday to Magaluf for my Auntie’s 60th birthday (she’s a very young 60!) and who came along, our Derek.
That holiday was one to remember, we had such a laugh. The youngest was 18 and the eldest 70 yet we all had so much fun together, aunties & uncles, mums & daughters, sisters & cousins. I’m so grateful that I had that amazing week with not only our Derek but all of us together. We made some memories that week & that’s what is getting me through today. Thinking of those smiles, looking at those photos.
I’m absolutely devastated & the tears keep pricking my eyes & falling down my cheeks but the smiles keep coming too, and it’s the smiles that will get me through today and those other days when I feel like I just can’t make it.
The days when I’m stressed out being a special needs mama, when I haven’t slept in literally days as my autistic little boy is super human and a 10 minute nap can keep him going for 20+ hours. It’s the smiles that keep me going.
The days when I’m overloaded with work, when I can’t even bear to open my emails because I know there’s hundreds of emails to deal with & I just want to bury my head in the sand. I think about all the fab opportunities my family has had through blogging. The fact that I’m able be work from home mum & be there for my special boy. It’s the smiles that keep me going.
The days when my teenager is driving me mad. When he’s pilling all his dirty laundry on the kitchen floor for me to wash, or when I step in his room and there’s crusty food on the plate that’s been left on the side for two days & the stink of a 17 year old man-child is overbearing. It’s the smiles that keep me going.
The days when the hubby & I are stressed out with the chaos that is our life, when we haven’t slept in days & are taking it out on each other, getting into stupid arguments or taking each other for granted. It’s the smiles that keep me going.
You need to try & find the light, the fun, the smiles. Focus on the good of the situation and try not to wallow on the bad. I know this might sound easier said than done, especially if you are suffering from anxiety & depression. But focusing on the positives when you can really gets you through the day when you feel like you can’t.