Sometimes Autism hits you like a brick wall, bang, completely out of the blue and it hurts, really hurts. Every day things that people completely take for granted can completely break your heart.

This happened to me today. Scrolling through my facebook timeline, seeing all the smiley, family photos of all the summer fun & holidays. We’ve had a great summer & taken lot’s of photos but the one thing we are missing, that I am grieving for, is that family photo where everyone is smiling for the camera.

We don’t have any of these, in fact the only ‘family’ photos are the occasional selfie when Archie can see his own face. and therefore smiles at himself.

I know we’re very lucky to have a happy healthy boy and I’m so grateful that we have two beautiful children but sometimes Autism totally kicks your ass. It knocks your feet right from underneath you. You think you’re dealing with everything ok, that you’ve completely accepted Autism and all that it brings but every now and then you realise just how much of an impact it has on the whole family.

I don’t want this whole post to be a woe is me but what I do want is to raise awareness of not just the bigger aspects of Autism but those little things too, as they can be just as hard. The little things people take for granted like the family getting together in a cuddle and saying cheese for the camera, having those precious memories in an album. Autism stops us from having this. Archie won’t sit with us and smile, he fights & kicks & screams because he doesn’t want to be held, doesn’t understand what we are trying to do, but I will still have my precious family album. It will just be different to what I expected but that’s ok, the same as it’s ok for me to have a little wobble every now & then.

I just need to wipe the tears and get on with it as my gorgeous little man needs his mama to be strong for him, to fight for him and that’s just what I’ll do.

Do you ever find the little things can hurt more than the big things?


I’m joining in with these lovely linkies




  1. September 2, 2015 / 10:11 am

    You may not have any pictures all together but you’ve shared some absolutely lovely ones of him playing happily. He’s such a gorgeous boy and you should be really proud xx

  2. September 2, 2015 / 5:23 pm

    I feel your pain 100%
    I switched all my tech off and locked it in the office on Monday after bursting into tears at all the “Happy Family Time” bank holiday photos on Facebook. I hated every single one of them for a split second. I was exhausted, sam was being aggressive, we were spending yet another day at home. It was a bad day all round.
    We literally have one family photo of the 4 of us – it was taken when we went to see Santa last Xmas and Sam is trying to run away, not looking at the camera at all.

  3. September 15, 2015 / 7:38 am

    But it’s not ‘OK’ all the time though is it? I’ve noticed similar thing recently hon. We have thousands of photos but Oscar smiles is so few of them (and those he does I’ve usually had to tickle out of him off camera) or they’re of the back of him just like this one,

    I just want to give you a great big hug honey. Hope life isn’t wearing you down too much atm xxxxx #twinklytuesday
    mrssavageangel recently posted…Ignorance is bliss….My Profile

  4. September 15, 2015 / 10:42 am

    I feel for you. My eldest (three) just got his diagnosis last week. He will sometimes smile for photos (though, generally he hides) but there are other little things. Other mums get a nice cuddle on the sofa with their three year old and Tyger likes to sit on my lap but because of his sensory difficulties he spends the whole time headbutting me and fidgeting and arching his back. Other parents can set up a train track for their three year old and the child will play with it but Tyger just wants me to push the trains round again and again.

    These are just little things and not as much of a problem as the bigger issues but they can still grind you down sometimes. Have you ever read this: http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html

    Lady Nym recently posted…Tyger Has a DiagnosisMy Profile

  5. September 15, 2015 / 1:42 pm

    I totally get it. Since my dad died it was the little things that would get me. I got through the funeral fine, I got through having his grandchildren that he never got to see ok. I get through his anniversaries alright. But sometimes the kids do a silly dance and I wish he could see because I know he would love it, and it makes me cry. You’re human and you sound like a super brave Mum who works hard to see the positives. Sometimes – even if its only for a moment – its hard not to feel sad about what could have been. You cant be brave all the time. (well I cant anyway!!)
    Helen – Mess Stress and Fancy Dress recently posted…Conversations I have overheard between the childrenMy Profile

  6. September 18, 2015 / 9:38 pm

    Oh lovely lady, I can’t imagine how hard this is to deal with and even though I don’t have to deal with it, I can see exactly why seeing a facebook feed of smiling toddlers would break your heart. Completely different but I do agree about the little things causing havoc with emotions. Having lost dad a few years ago, I really struggle when I’m in the shop with the other half if he is buying a fathers day card or birthday card for his da because I don’t get to do that anymore and I so badly want to. He doesn’t know it because it wouldn’t be fair to lumber that on him but I literally cannot be around him when he is choosing said card. Such a silly little thing but one that really gets me down. Sending you big hugs hunny, smiling or not, you have such a wonderful little lad and he is so lucky to have such a wonderful mum 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
    Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted…Why I’m so weepy!My Profile

  7. October 30, 2015 / 4:16 pm

    My son smiles because he had learned that behavior. You smile for a photo. But it is very very rare to get a photo where he is looking straight at the camera. You are right it is these small invisible things (to most people) that add up to make the whole picture and make autism difficult to deal with. You are not alone, I believe all of us parenting via the scenic route feel this loss. Take care.

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